For the first time…ever…I truly understand how one can suffer from a nervous breakdown. Sometimes you simply reach a point where the stresses and strains of living become too much to bear. Sometimes you become a complete wreck over situations that seem insurmountable. Sometimes the accumulation of things you cannot control cause you to fall apart.
Thankfully I’m not quite there yet, but I feel like I could be.
I am worried (and it’s getting worse) about my Israeli friends’ and family’s safety. Every time they leave their homes, they could become victims of random terrorist acts. From Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, Afula to Be’er Sheva, and everywhere in between, the past few months have been especially scary.
I put on a brave face, but am nervous about going to movie theatres and places with large gatherings. And now, thanks to the San Bernardino mass shooting (not to mention the ones in Colorado Springs, Roseburg, Chattanooga, Charleston, Fort Hood, etc.), perhaps holiday parties should be avoided too.
And, even closer to home, my husband has been dealing with a kidney stone (it’s been two weeks and it won’t pass!); my sister is conquering various medical exams and surgeries that come with testing positive for the BRCA2 mutation; and my father-in-law, who’s suffered with Parkinson’s for almost thirteen years, is rapidly approaching the end of his life.
* * *
I feel anxious. I contemplate calling in sick and staying at home…in bed with the covers pulled over my head. I toy with the idea of skipping the make up…donning only sweatpants and an old sweatshirt. I consider avoiding the news, YouTubes, Facebook, and emails…curling up instead with a trashy romance novel or watching a chick-flick.
But that’s not me; not who I’m supposed to be. I’m a firstborn. I must see the light and lead the way with confidence. I solve problems to make life easier for others. I am “half full;” not “half empty.” I struggle to make sense out of chaos and find silver linings. I know that anything is possible if you dream and believe it.
I need a stiff drink. I need some deep sleep. Tomorrow is a workday. I have a lot to get done.